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Thursday, September 15th, 2005
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7:13 pm - Healing
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I haven't used my lj in ages, and it's time I did, for something constructive. The reason I've put up this questionaire, is that it was how I knew, once and for all, that I HAD been emotionally abused during my short marriage. And lj seems like the perfect place to talk about it. I hope and pray that none of you can answer "yes" to even one of these questions, but if you can.....I feel your pain, believe me. I've been divorced from my abuser for 29 years, and still carry the scars. The experience changed me....utterly. For years I've tried to figure out why I react, think, and feel the way I do. Before I met Charlie, it never occurred to me that I was inadequate in any way. A few months ago, a tiny little inkling popped into my mind...I suspected that my marriage was behind it all. So, I dug around and researched; and the more I read, the clearer it became. I was definitely in an abusive relationship. Emotional and verbal abuse are VERY destructive and brutal. And I'm hoping that by talking about what happened, healing can began and I can have my life back. A little self-esteem wouldn't hurt, either. ;)
To anyone who reads these questions, and sees herself in any of them, don't feel badly. I answered "yes" to all except ONE.
I'll continue this as I'm able, and if anyone wants to talk, PLEASE feel free. It made the most immense difference in me, just telling people what I had been through.
Signs of Emotional Abuse
Emotionally abusive relationships can be very damaging because there is no 'concrete' thing that can be seen - and so the cause often goes unnoticed. We often just have an 'uneasy' feeling until it is too late and the damage has been done. Emotionally abusive relationships may show as little as only three, but as much as all of the following questions:
Is your mate irritated, upset, or angry with you often, sometimes several times a week or more? Are they upset with you even though you had no intention of upsetting them? Are you often times surprised by their anger or sudden outburst? Is their anger directed at 'you' or something they say 'you' did or didn't do? Does he blame 'you' for his outrage, anger, or upset? Does he deny to you his being angry or upset? Do you find yourself questioning everything you do as you do it, lest it angers him?
Does he refuse to discuss any upsetting issues with you, or accuse you of trying to start an argument if you bring them up? Do you feel that the issues that arise are never resolved? Do you feel uneasy, unhappy, depressed, or edgy because of these unresolved issues?
Does he frequently misunderstand your intentions? Do you end up feeling perplexed and frustrated at his misconstruing your every action?
Do you find yourself dismissing the bigger issues of your relationship, such as children, financial investments, or retirement planning because your daily lack of communication is consuming your emotional energy. For instance, do you often worry about him misunderstanding something he thought you said, or what you thought he said? Are the simple little day-to-day issues consuming the big picture?
Do you sometimes feel like there is something wrong with 'you'? Do you sometimes feel bad and can't figure out why?
Is your mate secretive? Does he rarely, if ever, share his thoughts or plans with you, or discuss issues with you?
Does your mate almost always disagree with you? If you say the sky is blue do they say it is grey? If you found a movie to be good do they claim it was bad? Are you always made to feel like you are wrong and he is right?
Are you punished when you say "No", or are you made to feel you haven't the right to say “Stop this”? Do you feel obligated to 'give in' just to keep peace?
Does your mate get angry or pretend ignorance if you approach him to discuss an issue? Do you bite your tongue and hold things in?
Do you feel like your mate holds all the power in your relationship? Do you find yourself asking for 'permission' to do something or get something, as if you were a child? Do you often apologize for your behavior? Does your mate overpower you making you feel 'needy' and 'humble' to them?
Have you gradually stopped talking to or seeing your family? Have you lost contact with your friends? Does your mate criticize your friends, or belittle your family members? Does he complain when you visit them to the point where you stop just to avoid the confrontation and argument? Does your mate's behavior often embarrass you? Does your 'bowing down to him' behavior embarrass you?
Do you think that everything is your fault and that if you can somehow fix your flaws that everything would be okay in the relationship?
Do you often give in to his sexual demands to keep the peace? Do you have sex, or consent to unreasonable sexual demands, even if you don't want to?
Does he do drugs or drink alcohol? Does his personality change when he does these? Do you find yourself having an uneasy 'sinking feeling' when you hear or see him pop open a beer?
Does he make fun of you or joke around about your flaws?
Can he laugh at his own mistakes, or himself, or admit to his own shortcomings and weaknesses?
Does he quickly and easily admit when he's wrong? Can he apologize for his own behaviors? Does he make excuses for his behavior and blame it on someone or something else? Does he point the finger at you and make you feel like you are the reason for his upsets or to fault for his mistakes?
Does he make all the decisions in the relationship? Does he plan outings, finances, vacations, retirement, children's discipline, the car, etc?
Does he control, curtail, or disapprove of your spending? Has he put you on an allowance, or strict budget, yet has complete freedom to spend as he wishes? Does he keep you financially needy of him?
Would you feel frightened or uneasy if he caught you reading this questionnaire, or taking this test?
If you have answered yes to just three of these questions, odds are you are in an emotionally abusive relationship. You probably find yourself often depressed and wondering why. You may just feel 'unhappy' but can't put your finger on the source of your unhappiness. Or you may find yourself thinking that you are clumsy, stupid, incompetent, wrong, or no-good. These are all subtle signs of being emotionally abused.
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| Friday, December 31st, 2004
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3:04 pm
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Damn it, I hate this feeling! Why now??? I thought I had made my peace with what happened between me and a certain slash artist. Then yesterday, it all came flooding back; the lies, the manipulations, the times I was there when he needed me. I wanted to believe he valued me as a friend, but it was an act from the beginning.
Even if he realized he made a mistake, I wouldn't want him back in my life. It's ruined ... I'll never trust him again. So, why does it still hurt???
I thought gay men were different from the others, but they're really not, are they? They can use and discard women as well as any hetero guy, it seems.
Maybe it's because M threw me away for some messed-up little girl and her husband, that I'm having such trouble dealing with this lately. I really don't understand this, but I want it to go away ........ NOW!!!
*Sigh* 2005 will be better, right???
current mood:  rejected
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